A couple notes before you read:
- I know this is probably nothing like what a stadium would be before a game. I know players have to be warming up and random tv actors don’t get to wander around wherever they feel like. Suspend your disbelief and just enjoy the silly story. 😛
- I’m sure Patrick Minnis, Aaron Rodgers, and Patrick Mahomes are actually all very nice people. For this story I used the on-screen character versions of them. No offense intended to anyone involved.
The suave man smirked as he adjusted his tie in the mirror. It was convenient that this undercover job required outfits he already owned and wore regularly. “Ketch. Arthur Ketch,” he said in his natural British accent. He’d been pretending to be a bumbling American named Gabe Gabriel for so long that sometimes it felt like the American accent was the one that came more automatically for him.
He was currently in one of the more private staff bathrooms located in the Hard Rock Stadium in bright and sunny Miami, Florida for Super Bowl LIV. American football still didn’t make much sense to him (the players weren’t even allowed to use their feet!), but he understood the significance the country put on the Super Bowl.
When he’d first been assigned to the mission in America by the British Men of Letters he never could have imagined that it would end up leading him to his current position. After breaking away from his old masters, becoming a free agent, and making up with the Winchesters he caught wind of a hunt within the NFL. Originally it seemed too hard to investigate but then the opportunity to gain entry into the world by working with some of the top players presented itself and he took it. He could handle playing a goofy figurehead for an insurance company if it meant he got to hunt some vampires.
With everything in place, Ketch turned and left the bathroom. “I don’t need an escort,” he sneered in his American accent when he found Patrick from State Farm waiting for him in the hallway outside. “I actually have an excellent sense of direction.”
“That may be, but you don’t have full clearance to wander the stadium by yourself,” Patrick boasted, showing off his higher level security badge.
“Shouldn’t we have the same clearance level since we’re both agents?”
“Nope. Patrick put in a good word for his favorite agent,” Patrick explained. “Wanted to make sure I’d be able to get him anything he needed.”
Ketch rolled his eyes. “Fine. If you get in my way or get bit though don’t expect me to come rescue you.”
“What? I’m pretty sure the only thing around here that might bite is a mosquito and I certainly don’t need you to rescue me from one of those.”
“Oh, Chauncey. There’s a whole world out there that you know nothing about,” Ketch replied smugly. “Now follow me.”
The vampires were smart, Ketch would give them that. They didn’t drain their victims so there wasn’t a suspicious trail of bodies left in their wake. Ketch hadn’t even been clued in to the fact that there might be a hunt until he heard reports from numerous fans and staff members about new cuts or needle wounds that showed up on their arms or necks after they mysteriously passed out at a game. With the more reformed views on hunting he’d gained from the Winchesters, Ketch had considered not even taking the hunt at all, but the vampires were still hurting humans and that wasn’t alright in his book.
He had thought he had killed all of the vampires the year before, but then more stories started popping up and this time people were sometimes losing enough blood to end up in the hospital. So when State Farm offered him a second year contract he accepted.
“So where exactly are we going?” Patrick asked. “Shouldn’t we be helping Patrick? Or Aaron? I know he’s around here too even though he’s not playing.”
“Just relax, State Farm,” Ketch answered, feigning nonchalance. He hated working with civilians. “We still have three hours before the game starts. Plenty of time to finish the hunt and grab snacks. You won’t even miss the coin toss.”
Patrick gave the man next to him a once-over. He really was a strange fellow. “What do you mean ‘finish the hunt’? There’s nothing to hunt.”
Ketch scoffed. “There’s almost always something to hunt. You just need to know what to look for.”
“Right…” Patrick responded, clearly not believing what he was hearing. He pulled out his phone and sent a quick text before catching up to Ketch who had started to walk down a different hallway.
“This could be promising,” Ketch said when he found a door labelled ‘janitorial staff only.’
“This is promising?”
The secret assassin just barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes once again. “It’s hidden in plain sight. Not a common enough location that anyone could accidentally wander in, but not so obviously prohibited that people would be curious to see what was inside,” he explained. “Additionally, we’re far enough down and out of the way that there probably aren’t windows, or at least not very large ones, which makes it an even better hiding spot.”
The State Farm agent didn’t say anything in response to that. He was really starting to think this sports agent might be certifiably insane. “Wait a second, is that a lockpick?” he whispered when he saw that Ketch had pulled something out of his pocket and gotten closer to the door handle.
“Yes,” Ketch said dismissively. “How else did you think I was going to get inside? Knock down the door? I could, of course, but that’s not exactly subtle, now is it?”
Patrick watched as Ketch quickly unlocked the door with what looked like practiced skill. He had the slightly concerning thought that the other man could probably do that blindfolded. When the door opened he followed Ketch inside. The room looked exactly how one would expect a janitorial room to look. There were a few windows high up the wall although they were boarded over which was strange. He assumed it was just a safety feature due to the heavy storms they sometimes had in the area. There was a desk, computer, cleaning supplies, a small table with a few chairs, and even a microwave and mini fridge. “Have you seen enough to be able to tell this is a perfectly normal room and stadium?” he asked mockingly. It was easy to see why Aaron didn’t like the guy that much.
Ketch ignored his annoying counterpart and walked over to the mini fridge. If his instincts were correct–and they usually were–the inside wouldn’t be as normal as the outside. He opened the door and smirked. Jackpot. He grabbed one of the bags of blood and held it up. “Does this count as ‘perfectly normal’ to you?” It was comical to watch the color drain from Patrick’s face as the State Farm agent realized what Ketch was holding.
When the doorknob started to rattle Ketch immediately dropped the blood bag and quickly pulled out the machete that had been hidden on his back under his suit jacket.
“What the heck is that for?” Patrick hissed. At first he had just been concerned about getting caught somewhere they weren’t supposed to be but then the psycho had to pull out a dangerous weapon they weren’t allowed to have at the stadium.
Suddenly the door opened and Patrick Mahomes stepped inside. “Whoa. Whoa,” he said with his hands up when he saw the weapon Ketch was holding. “Got your text.”
“Someone here is a vampire,” Ketch said calmly.
“He just pulled out a machete,” State Farm Patrick said at the same moment.
Patrick Mahomes paused for a moment to take in what he was seeing and everything that had just been said. “Care to run that by me again?”
Ketch slid his machete away and picked up the blood bag he had dropped. “We don’t have a lot of time so the short explanation will have to do. Monsters are real and I’m one of many people around the world who hunts them. Werewolves, shifters, rugaru, demons, you name it, I’ve hunted it. Now I’m looking to kill some vampires before they interfere with today’s game and ruin what is arguably going to be the biggest moment of your athletic career so far.”
“You’re crazy,” State Farm Patrick said with his eyebrows almost high enough to be touching his hairline. “You’re absolutely insane.”
“So, what? You think the janitor has a refrigerator full of blood just in case there’s a medical emergency?”
“What someone does in the privacy of their own room is their business. I’m leaving. Patrick, I recommend you do the same,” State Farm Patrick said and then turned and walked out the door.
Ketch rolled his shoulders and opened the button on his suit jacket. “Are you going to follow Chauncey or are you sticking with me, Ma-homie?” Ketch internally rolled his eyes. Who in the world actually talked like that? He couldn’t wait to be done playing this silly character and go back to living his real life and getting his hands dirty.
Patrick shrugged. “Honestly, I’m kind of intrigued. Do all sports agents do this in their free time?”
Ketch chuckled as he made his way back out of the room. He had a vampire to find. “I certainly don’t think so,” he replied. “When do you need to get back to the locker room?”
“They’ll be alright without me for a little bit. It’s not every day you get to catch a vampire.” He paused and gave Ketch a once-over. “Well I guess it is for you. How do you find and kill a vampire anyway?”
“You kill them by decapitation. Hence the machete,” Ketch explained. “Finding them can be complicated but there are certain things to look for. They usually hole up somewhere abandoned or at least a place without a lot of foot traffic. Add to that the fact that vampires hate sunshine and the number of options for a hiding spot becomes more manageable to investigate.”
Patrick nodded as he took in all the new information being thrown his way. “Alright. So where do you suggest we go next?”
A sudden scream echoed down the hallway and made both men jolt a bit.
“There,” Ketch said. He turned and started running down the hallway, not even checking to see if Patrick was following him. The man might be a quarterback, but he could still run with the best of them. Ketch had an idea where the scream had come from but there were a lot of rooms in the hall. He wouldn’t have time to check them all before the vampire claimed another victim, and he had a feeling this victim would lose more than just a little bit of blood.
Just then a second scream came from behind one of the few unlabelled doors in the hall. Ketch pulled his machete out once again. “You should stay back,” he warned Patrick. “I’m very good at my job, but hunting isn’t clean and sometimes there’s collateral damage. I don’t need you getting bit or getting your throat ripped out.”
“Hey, man, I’m fine with sticking to what I’m good at,” Patrick agreed. “Do your thing.”
Ketch smirked and stepped up to the door. After a quick breath he lifted a leg and kicked down the door.
“Damn. That’s cool,” Patrick said.
When Ketch walked inside he was greeted with four sets of fangs and the view of State Farm Patrick hung up by his wrists. There was Duct Tape over his mouth to stop any more screams from coming out, a myriad of cuts scattered on his body to cause discomfort, and a tube hooked to his arm to slowly drain him of his blood. “Out of curiosity, are the four of you the only ones left?” Ketch asked, his natural British coming back out. “I’d really like to wrap this up once and for all, so if you have any other friends I’d appreciate if you could call them.”
“You,” one of the vampires growled. “You’re the one who killed our brothers and sisters, aren’t you?”
“Guilty as charged,” Ketch replied. “The name’s Arthur Ketch. Perhaps you’ve heard of me.” It was fun to watch how all four vampires had their hackles raised from just his name. Even if the Winchesters had taught him to not just brutally kill anyone that wasn’t perfectly human, he still had plenty of kills on his record and that gave him a reputation that was often terrifying to monsters. “Is that a ‘no’ on the allies? Good.” He tossed his machete up and flipped it in the air before smoothly catching it. “Four against one. I like those odds.”
The first vampire rushed towards Ketch with fangs out and ready to bite, but he was sloppy and Ketch made quick work of taking off his head. The other three were much smarter and attacked in a synchronized manner. Ketch sliced out at one of them but the vampire managed to avoid the blade which surprised Ketch. Unfortunately that split-second moment of surprise was enough to allow the vampire who had gotten behind Ketch to kick him in the back and knock him down.
Ketch took the hit in stride though and simply tucked and rolled. That wasn’t particularly easy to do while holding a machete but he’d had a fair amount of practice, so he was able to do it without accidentally cutting off any of his own limbs. When he’d stopped rolling he popped back up and chuckled. “Mmm. Is that all you’ve got?” he mocked. It was far too much fun to play with his prey before he killed it.
The three remaining vampires attacked again and Ketch continued to fight them with all the expertise and finesse that came with being a well trained assassin. It took a little time but in the end, Ketch was the one left standing while the heads and bodies of four decapitated vampires were scattered on the ground.
The British man looked down at his suit with disdain. There were a few tears in the fabric and there was blood splattered on it as well. “Splendid. Where am I supposed to find a new suit now? Damn monsters are always messing everything up.” Muffled screams caught Ketch’s attention and he turned back to look at State Farm Patrick who was still strung up. “Oh, that’s right. I almost forgot about you, Chauncey,” he said, returning to his American accent. He walked closer to the other man and smirked. “This might sting a bit.” Without any further warning he ripped off the Duct Tape that was covering the man’s mouth.
“Ow! What was that for?”
Ketch raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “After how you’ve treated me the last two years can you really blame me for taking joy where I can find it?” He investigated Patrick’s bindings more and decided it would be better to have an extra set of hands around when getting the other man down. “Hey, Ma-homie! Mind coming in and helping out? The vampires have been taken care of.”
Patrick came into the room but took a step back when he saw the carnage that was there. “Did you do this?”
“Who else? Chauncey here certainly wasn’t any help since he was so tied up,” Ketch answered. “Now get over here. Hold him up so that when I cut the ropes he doesn’t fall.”
“You are not putting that giant blade anywhere near me, psycho,” State Farm Patrick said.
Ketch rolled his eyes. “Of course not.” He leaned down and wiped his machete off on one of the corpses and then slipped it back in its sheath. He reached into the inside pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out a basic switch blade. “I’d appreciate if you stopped with the name calling by the way. I just saved your life. The least you could do is thank me.” He neatly sliced through the bindings and then helped ease the man to the floor. “Let’s take this IV out and then we can get you patched up.” This time the Brit was careful. Quickly pulling off some Duct Tape was a good prank but he wasn’t trying to cause the man any real harm.
“What the hell is going on here?” a fourth voice suddenly shouted.
Both Patricks and Ketch turned to look at the doorway and all three were surprised to see Aaron Rodgers standing there.
“Dude,” Patrick Mahomes said with a grin. “This guy is the best agent ever!”
Ketch couldn’t hold back his smirk. It had taken two years and a lot of vampires, but he’d finally beaten State Farm.
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